art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
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To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.