[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.