My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I need better friends
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.