I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
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[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Realize this:
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name