Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Morning.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes