Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon