The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
You Might Also Like
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.