Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
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Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help