My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*