From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Planet of the Apps.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.