“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
accurate
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist