My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Danger is very dangerous