To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
why no one uses midhusbands
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”