Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION