[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Perfect.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.