The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
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*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture