My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t