If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
They also CAN sing✌️
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles