*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED