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Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
This raises questions
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.