It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Always the camel, never the toe.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK