Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Don’t touch that.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
What’s so funny?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.