Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
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I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?