*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
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Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad