PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.