Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
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Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Meeeee too!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.