First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??