hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
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Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want