america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
You Might Also Like
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Not messing around
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police