“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.