I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread