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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
hey, alexa
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.