Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better