IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon