“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
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{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “