*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.