My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume