I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
North and South
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.