Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

welcome back