Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
The future is now.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me