if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
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[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Yup
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?