your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
The dark side of Canada