It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
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Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I feel seen
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!