“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops