I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
So we got a goldfish…
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life