[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home