Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
mumsnet is amazing
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Home #decor warning.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option