Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.