Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
shampoo implies shampee
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Good morning, Twitter x
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos