What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
This hospital has everything
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
felt cute might bury dad later idk